I didn't really know how to do anything, having married at the young age of 22 and although having had a tyranical husband I have to admit that he organised my life for me and I never really had to worry about much. I always had a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to eat, but once I separated all those things had to be organised by me. It was difficult, it was hard, I felt like crying sometimes and I often questioned whether I was capable of leading my own life, but through it all the strength of my father was with me. He helped me through the death of my horse, he helped me have the courage to study and eventually find a job and when I was lonely he was also there. I could truly feel his presence and it comforted me enormously. I had lost my father in flesh but I hadn't lost him in spirit as he was always there. In my dreams, in my thoughts and even in my waking hours I knew he would help me.
But now 16 years later it seems that he has truly gone forever. It is so long now since I have been able to feel his strength or his presence. It's like he thinks that I am doing okay and so he has decided to go on his own way and I sometimes wish that I hadn't learned how to become so strong and independent because maybe that is precisely the reason why he thinks that I don't need him anymore.
I will always need my father, whether my life is going well or even more when my life is going bad and the only reason that makes me fear death less is the hope of meeting up with him again, and it's so sad that I can no longer feel him by my side now. I often wonder whether the spirits in the after life remain with you only when you need them and then when they see that you are coping on your own they decide that it is time to let you get on with it yourself.
When he was alive we had a kind of telepathy between us and when he died it felt as if that telepathy continued for a while, but it was only for a while. I don't know whether it we me who sent him away through my independence or whether it was that he went away because there is only a certain amount of time that he could linger here as a spirit in the human world.
But wherever he is, I continue to love and miss him and I continue to be more like him every day and take pride in that and what is the most wonderful is that when I look into the mirror I see my father's eyes, which are mine but they are also his as he was the one that gave them to me.